I'm starting a new series of posts that focus on the expectations that we, as parents and teachers, have for our children. Our expectations of our children determine whether or not we view them as being successful in any given situation. It is important to have expectations that are age, skill, and situation appropriate so that we do not judge their behaviors and actions unfairly. Expectations that are too high leave us feeling disappointed, frustrated and our kids feel like failures when they don't live up to them. Having expectations that are too low often leads to children behaving inappropriately for their age (which can cause problems at school and with peers) and learned behavior patterns of dependency.
Consider the following scenarios of two girls who are both four years old and essentially equal in development, each with parents who have different expectations in the same situation of a morning routine:
Child A: To get her daughter ready in the morning, a mother gives her child a choice between two outfits, then gives her child instructions to take her pajamas off and put on the clothes that she picked out by herself before coming out to the kitchen for breakfast. Mom already knows she may need to come back in to give a reminder and possibly a countdown to get her daughter motivated if she gets off track (she is only 4, after all). After a few minutes Mom checks back in to find that her daughter managed to get her clothes off, but got distracted by toys before getting her new clothes on. She praises her daughter for getting her pajamas off and then kindly, but firmly, reminds her of the task she is supposed to be doing and gives her a countdown, "10, 9, 8...." as her daughter recognizes what this signal means (based on consistency in the past) she starts getting her clothes on and mom goes back to the kitchen. The little girl soon follows all dressed and ready for breakfast. Mom and daughter are both happy.
Child B: To get her daughter ready in the morning, a mother comes into her daughters room and tells her to get dressed because breakfast is almost ready. She leaves to go finish cooking. After a few minutes she yells from the kitchen, "come on, hurry up and get dressed; breakfast is ready!" When there is no response, she goes to her daughter's bedroom to find her daughter, still in pajamas, playing with toys. Exasperated, the mother says, "I told you to get dressed. Why do I always have to ask more than once?!" She then chooses an outfit and quickly puts it on her child who is pouting and resisting. As they both go down to the kitchen the mother is frustrated and wondering why her daughter can't dress herself. The daughter is sulking because she feels her mother's disappointment.
Neither one of these mothers is a bad mom, but they both approached the same situation differently; one more successfully than the other. The first mother understood that in order for her 4 year old to dress herself, she had to set her up for success, be patient, and give reminders until she was successful. Because the task of getting dressed was completed within her expectations, it was successful for both mom and child. The second mother wanted her daughter to dress herself as well (which is age appropriate for a 4 year old), but the expectation for it to be done independently from start to finish with only 1 request and no assistance was not realistic. When her daughter didn't meet her expectations she was frustrated and the little girl didn't feel successful.
Why did both of these moms have different expectations of their child in the same situation? Those expectations have to come from somewhere....
The Origin of Expectations
Where do our expectations of our children stem from? As a pediatric occupational therapist, my knowledge and understanding come from literature and experience with a lot of kids besides my own; but most parents don't have a professional background on child development, so where do they get the information that they base their expectations on?
- parenting books (and there are some really great ones out there too), but in my experience, this area of information is vastly underutilized by parents, for whatever reason
- the internet, where you can get a quick answer and there is some good info, but no quality control
- pediatricians offer a source wisdom, although doctor visits are often infrequent and rushed so doctors don't always have time to get the full story before they make comments on behavior issues
- past experience seems to be one of the two most common sources of expectations for behavior. We think back to when we were kids and base our expectations of our kids from that. This can be good and bad: good, if you had a solid upbringing and your expectations are age appropriate; bad, if expectations of you as a child were unreasonable and age inappropriate. For parents of multiple children, using past experience with earlier children is often helpful in creating expectations of subsequent children, but every child is different and sometimes expectations need to be adjusted for each individual child to be successful.
- word of mouth is the other most popular means of gaining information to form expectations; this is most commonly through friends and family members. Again, this can be good and bad, depending on who you are taking advice from. If the person you are getting your info from has a good understanding of child development and what is and isn't age appropriate, then chances are you are getting good advice. When comparing our children to others, we sometimes can get a picture of what other typically developing kids of the same age should be able to do, but we can also get into trouble and develop skewed expectations that may not be appropriate for our own children if the comparison isn't equal.
The Breakdown - Unrealistic Expectations
Despite having multiple sources of information to pull from, I find that when it comes to having expectations of children, parents most often tend to have expectations based on how they want their children to behave in a given situation based on what's easiest for the parent and not what is most realistic for the child. For example, expecting a two year old to sit through a 90 minute dinner without becoming restless is convenient for a parent and unrealistic for a two year old. Or, expecting a four year old to pick up all of their toys on the first request. The problem with this is, having expectations that do not meet the abilities of a child set everyone up for failure and frustration. In turn, punishing (age appropriate) behavior that didn't live up to unrealistically high expectations leads to increased negative behaviors and low self esteem in children. This problematic situation is further complicated when parents do not maintain consistent expectations of their children. If the same type of behavior is ignored in one circumstance and then punished in another similar circumstance, how is a child supposed to know which one is correct.
Technology and Society Negatively Affecting Expectations
As our society runs full speed ahead with newer, faster technology to make our lives easier we are becoming lazier as people and parents. I know that sounds like a harsh statement, but I see and feel the effects both personally and professionally. Through the use of high speed technology adults, and children, have become conditioned to require little effort, control, immediate responses, and instant gratification in our lives. We no longer have the patience to wait, work hard, work together with others, or problem solve. And in our own virtual realities, where we can always find someone else to back up our opinions, we are always right. What we, as parents, don't always recognize is how all of this is impacting our expectations of our children's behavior. We no longer have the patience to tell to our children to do something more than once, to wait for them try repeatedly until successful, to teach them new things, to model good behavior and correct their behaviors appropriately..... Our expectations of them to behave perfectly and perform perfectly without any effort on our part to teach them how to behave is completely unrealistic. The most important part of being a parent, besides loving your children unconditionally, is TEACHING THEM! (More on you as your child's most important teacher in a future post).
The other negative influence of technology is on the actual behavior of children. Even if you are the model parent when it comes to having appropriate expectations of your children, overuse of technology (computer, video games, TV, iphone) will undoubtedly cause unwanted behaviors whenever they are forced to turn off their source of entertainment, and frustration, impatience, and decreased attention once their little brains are conditioned to expect instant gratification in all aspects of life. You can avoid this by limiting their daily exposure to entertainment technology to age appropriate limits and use it as a reward to be earned for good behavior instead of an automatic right.
The Bottom Line
When our expectations of our children are higher than what they are capable of no one wins. Instead of ignoring the problem or assuming the behaviors are due to some sort of diagnosis, it is important to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Are your expectations of your child appropriate and realistic or would they be more appropriate for a child years older? Clear, consistent, age appropriate expectations are crucial for success. And children also need parents to model and encourage appropriate behaviors first. Help your child be successful!
This first post in a series is food for thought. After reading this, think about your own expectations of your children. How often do they meet those expectations or are you constantly scolding or getting frustrated with their behavior?
Stay tuned for Part 2 when I discuss how to manage expectations of children to make them realistic.
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