Hello parents and friends! It is time for a re-launching of this blog and I am thrilled to be back writing. It has been about 6 years since I last posted! Since that time, the pediatric therapy practice that I started with my mother expanded and demanded more of my time, which kept me from continuing to write and develop this blog. So much has changed since then, but I am happy that it has lead me back to this spot. In these last 6 years I have grown exponentially as a parent, a professional and as a human being; and I'm still growing and learning every day! I hope that what I have learned can be of use to you in your journey as a parent and as a person. And I hope that you will share along with me, so we can teach and support each other, because this journey of learning and growing never really ends, nor should it. The beauty in life is that we can always continue to learn, to improve, through trials and troubles find happiness and balance, and share our wisdom and joy with others. So sit with me a moment while I fill you in on the events that have lead me back to this blog; they are nothing short of life changing and I mean that in a literal sense. Some of you may read my story and think I'm nuts, while some of you may find that my words resonate a profound truth in you. Maybe you have experienced this same life altering revelation or maybe you have been silently whispering it for a long time, afraid to speak it out loud, like I had for so long. This is a story of mapping your life, following it, and achieving your dreams only to not recognize where you are (or who you are) when you get there. This short history will set the stage for the re-launching of this blog in its new form because one should never go back, but always move forward. I would also like to add that sharing stories about parenting and personal growth requires a certain level of vulnerability and trust. Without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learn from the experience, it's hard to truly grow. So I will dare to be vulnerable and grow from this as I share with you my story and promise to provide you with a safe space to share your stories without judgement so that you can also grow from the experience. And away we go.....
I am the eldest daughter of an occupational therapist and a businessman. Both my parents have had successful careers, each eventually owning their own profitable businesses. Theirs was my model for success: work hard, be your own boss, and make good money. Let's skip ahead and just say that I followed in my mother's professional footsteps, but tried to put my individual spin on it by majoring in child development and education first, intentionally spending a couple of years as a third grade teacher before going on to graduate school to become an occupational therapist. Child development felt second nature to me because of my upbringing with a woman who excelled in her specialization as a sensory-based therapist. There was an element of familiarity and comfort as I followed this path to one day be a pediatric OT and possibly run my own practice, like my mother. It seemed like the right thing to do, despite my early reluctance and encouragement from my mother. Fast forward to 2009 when we actually opened our own therapy practice together (along with my father) and grew and expanded and became a well respected practice. Initially I highly enjoyed this new adventure and threw ample amounts of energy and passion into making the practice as outstanding as possible as well as cultivating my own professional skills. At the same time, I had two young children born 18 months apart. Life was a balance of stay at home parenting and part time work. At first I worked only while my children went to local Mother's Morning Out and preschool programs, increasing my work hours as I was able to add childcare coverage by my wonderful mother in law. It didn't feel especially easy at the time, but looking back now it was the most balanced between mothering and working that it would ever be. Through a blend of professional growth, practice expansion (and demands) and my children entering ages of multi-day preschool and then elementary school, my time in the office multiplied exponentially. I took on more and more duties until I was eventually managing all of the employees and ultimately became my mother's boss. The pressure was starting to set in. I had some late days each week where I was at the office until 7pm and some early mornings where I started treating as early as 7:00 or 8:00am. I managed it though. I still volunteered at my children's school and found time to run. But even that level of balance couldn't be maintained.
Exactly two years ago my father retired from managing the practice and I bought out his ownership, ultimately becoming the practice manager, employee manager/supervisor, and I continued to treat a caseload of children as a practicing OT. At the same time my children were developing lives that included after school activities and homework. My husband was working more and all of a sudden buying groceries, making meals, doing laundry and cleaning the house became impossible tasks for us (and my husband does a lot around the house to help); there just weren't enough hours in the day to accomplish it all (sound familiar?). We ate out all the time, everyone was stressed and emotions ran high, no one kept tabs on our youngest child's homework, least of all him, and his behavior was challenging. When I was home with the kids, I was physically present, but my mind was always on work, or I was responding to a phone call, a text or an email for work. Keeping up with paperwork was a challenge, but worst of all was the weight of the pressure of responsibility for the lives of 10 employees, the finances and future of the business, the quality of care of more than a hundred families, not to mention the responsibility of my own family, their physical/emotional/social/cognitive needs, their play dates, school work, birthday parties, doctor appointments etc etc; being everything to everyone at every moment became crushing. I was tired, I had stomach issues, I was moody, I was anxious, my memory was alarmingly terrible, I dreaded getting out of bed in the morning, I found I was becoming more egocentric just out of pure survival. I prayed to catch a stomach bug just to have to stay home in bed for a day to rest, then instantly rescinded that prayer for the amount of piled up work it would likely cause. Worst of all, I just didn't feel like I had enough at the end of the day to really give my children my all; to be present in every sense of the word. I wanted to not only give them my undivided and engaged attention when needed but to actually find joy in those moments with them and make memories, to enjoy this short childhood of theirs.
The idea of success being a business owner who "made good money" was beginning to lose its luster because it meant making the business a priority and sacrificing my time with my children for the sake of the business. But I kept on, afraid to admit that owning and running the practice wasn't what I wanted anymore, afraid to admit it as if it were admitting failure. I was supposed to buy out my mother and take over the business completely so that my parents could retire. I was supposed to do what my mother did and run a successful therapy practice. The words "I don't want this" began bouncing around in my head, a small seed with a tiny voice. I swept it away and told myself this was just growing pains and it would get better. It only ever got more complicated and my time for my family slowly diminished. This seed took root and decided to grow. So many times I wanted to say those words out loud, but couldn't get them to my mouth.
Then, one day it happened. We were on our usual two week vacation in Maine (where I grew up). This annual trip has been cancelled and interrupted many a time due to work issues with my practice. This summer, though, it was perfect. I shut down out of work mode completely. I went running, I did yoga, I played with my children as if I had nothing else to do, I read, I reflected, I connected with my husband, I spent real time with family, and I laughed, I got silly, I allowed myself to shed the weight of the world and relax. My family couldn't believe who this person was; the real me came out to play. I sat on the beach, watching my children playing with their cousins and just marveled at the beauty of these moments I had been collecting. The beautiful simplicity. No emails, not texts, no demands for my time, no stress, no weight, no crushing anxieties, no stomach problems. Just perfect peace in the most simple of moments. And then the fruit of this growing thought, now a desire, was there more present than ever and with little room to remain contained. One small push, a phone call concerning a minor issue at work, was all it took. The words came spilling forth and they were finally spoken. I couldn't believe what I was hearing myself say. "I don't want this anymore." Once they were out, it was done and I couldn't drag myself back to the world I had only previously lived in. I wanted to be free of this complicated, chaotic life where I was only a spectator of my children's childhood. So much soul searching followed. I cannot even begin to tell you of the identity crisis that ensued, all completely self-inflicted of course. We'll save that for another post. But through it all my husband supported me; in an almost relieved sense, I think. I'll skip the gory details of getting to the point at which I find myself today, a current part-time employee of the practice that I helped to build and recently owned. My parents were understanding, if not reluctantly so (I had, of course, just completely altered their retirement plans), and my father stepped back in to resume duties as practice manager. I have worked through layers and layers of guilt about how my decision would affect others (mostly my parents and our employees), but overall, the gift that I would be giving my family by making this change got me through all of that emotional torment I was putting myself through as part of the transition process. The gift of my time and my full presence without the weight of the stress I was carrying was the greatest gift that I could give them. Having time to go grocery shopping and make them dinner, pick my kids up from school and get them to their afternoon activities without engaging multiple family members and friends to assist in the process, having enough me-time to keep my batteries charged in order to be fully present for my family - this was the greatest and most important gift that I could give. My career path no longer felt important and the success of owning a business no longer felt worth it if I was going to plod along through the next 10 years, half-awake to my children's childhood, only to look up in a decade and realize that I had missed it. My greatest regret would be not being fully present in the lives of my children.
So there you have it. At 38 years old I have had my mid-life crisis a little early, but I am so thankful for the prematurity of it because it saved me. It allowed me to become conscious of what was most important to me while I still had time to make the change to put it front and center. This has been an incredibly challenging time in my life, to switch away from the path I carved out for myself almost 20 years ago; to find myself in the midst of accomplishing my dreams, only to discover it wasn't what I wanted was more than unsettling. The self imposed chains of responsibility and guilt were tough to cut through, but I am working my way out day by day and finally getting to create the family focused life of balance that I really want. I work far fewer hours and the mental load of owning and running a company has lifted and cleared a space for greater awareness, more presence, and hallelujah, a working memory! Not only can I get grocery shopping and laundry done but I can do them without stress or resentment. I have found that I have more patience in situations with my children which would have resulted in immediate frustration and yelling. When my children need me, I find it's more automatic to sit and be with them because I'm not thinking of a thousand other things that I need to get done. I practice gratitude for the small moments of pure unexpected joy with them, like impromptu wrestling and laughing with my son when he was supposed to be getting ready for bed or making pancakes with my daughter and turning it into a math activity. I am so grateful for what feels like such a profound change in my life and my ability to parent my children the way I originally intended to and the way that I know they need me to.
When I started this blog in 2010 the intent was to provide parents with information and tips for a simple childhood for children so that they could grow and develop as nature intended, experiencing a full and meaningful childhood, developing the necessary skills to help them excel in childhood, adolescence and adulthood. This blog was meant to help parents find joy and meaning in raising their children and supporting their development using a back to basics approach. I, unfortunately, allowed a busy life and advancing career to get in the way of continuing to live by this philosophy of a simple life for myself and my own family and felt the full unnerving effects of it. Throughout this experience I have learned a tremendous amount and so I am back to writing this blog for you, with a renewed sense of just how important a simple childhood and a simple life really are.
I am here to support your journey as a parent, wherever you are in that journey. I will continue to write blog posts that cover different developmental and parenting topics, pulling in my personal and professional experience and knowledge as well as research and content form other professional sources. But I view this blog as more of an opportunity for growth for myself and all parents who choose to join in; a journey to being the parents we once dreamed of being and the parents that our children need us to be. As I post, my own beliefs and possible biases make weave their way in, but I will do my best to make a disclaimer that just because it is my belief or my reality that I respect that not everyone shares those same beliefs or that same reality. I look forward to your comments and input as we grow together and I promise not to judge, for your comments are your truth and your reality. I ask that everyone reading this blog have the same respect for others' comments. Through our vulnerability as parents and people and our ability to process the information here and reflect on how it resonates with our own life situations we will be able to change and grow in a positive way. Some topics may be uncomfortable for some people and not for others, but suspending judgement for ourselves and others will allow us to move through the discomfort to new insights and hopefully a happier, healthier, more balanced life focusing on strong family connections and a fulfilling childhood that supports optimal growth and development.
If you have made it all the way to the end of this lengthy personal story of mine, I thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out completely. I hope that my story offers comfort, inspiration or even a new perspective, but whatever you got out of it, I hope it was positive for you and I hope that you will join me again to tackle future parenting and child development topics.
With gratitude,
Kirsten
